


Children and Headaches

by warlock_female



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Bofur might be doomed, Dwobbit!Bilbo, F/M, Nori is a Little Shit, Prompt Fill, Sad start but it gets better, Thorin's A+ Parenting, bifur loves his stupid relatives, fem!Bilbo, over protective father Thorin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-02 03:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1052037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warlock_female/pseuds/warlock_female
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sorry for the crap title, all the good ones are taken.</p><p>Prompt Fill: One brief encounter between Belladonna Took and Thorin Oakenshield brings about a baby girl to the shock of many in the Shire. Belladonna goes on to marry Bungo Baggins and to raise her daughter like a hobbit. Bilbo grows up to be as lovely as her mother even with her wee beard. Fifty odd years later when her quiet home is invaded the truth comes out, delivered by a cheerful Gandalf. An awkward and overprotective Daddy!Thorin makes life difficult when romance blossoms between Bilbo and Bofur.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No idea what is up with me doing prompt fills for fem!Bilbo and Bofur fanfics but I’m starting to really love the two.

**Chapter One**

No one in the Shire knew how to handle a sword and Thorin got more looks and mutters behind his back than in the towns of men. But even without a love of metals the hobbits knew good work when they saw it and next to no weapons meant that unlike other places Thorin would not have to worry about being driven away with little coin for Dis and her two boys. Not that he could ever bring back enough, even with all the plow repairs to be done, not with Fili and Kili shooting up like bottomless weeds and Dis just somehow managing to get enough work.

 

“Good morning Master dwarf!” Thorin somehow managed to stop himself from growling under his breath as he turned around to give the grinning woman standing in the smith’s entrance. “I seem to have broken the handle of my frying pan again this morning.” How Belladonna Took had managed to get through life was a wonder to Thorin as it seemed like every single week the woman was there grinning and holding up yet another household object that needed fixing. Not that Thorin minded the work, no it was the fact that she seemed to have nothing better to do than stand to the side and watch the dwarf until he was finished with her order. It wasn’t as though she was bad to have around, far from it. Bella asked questions about the world and didn’t seem offended by Thorin’s gruffness and sometimes she brought along tarts that made Thorin’s mouth water just thinking about. It was just how… distracting that the hobbit managed to be just standing there.

 

“It’s my sister’s birthday next week.” Thorin grunted in reply as he peered down at the frying pan, letting Belladonna’s words wash over him as he examined the object. Hadn’t he just fixed a hole on the side of the same pan just a month ago? What sort of smith had created such a horrible item?

 

“You’re going to need a new one.”

 

“Huh?” Belladonna looked up with wide brown eyes framed by her long dark curly hair. Thorin somehow managed to drag his eyes away from the hair (how did she get it so shiny?) sighed and repeated his statement.

 

“I’ll only charge you half price,” after all from what Thorin had heard the woman was living unmarried and he’d already made a lot of coin from her. “Whoever did this was a horrible smith.” Belladonna gave him a searching look before smirking.

 

“Oh no, I had to really work at getting that handle off with my dad’s file.” Thorin blinked as he attempted to process the cheerful words. “I guess I did go overboard on the poor thing though… and well I will need a new one.”

 

“You filed away the handle?” Thorin felt like smacking himself on the face with the iron pan as he bellowed out, “Why would you do such a foolish thing?!” Dis had always told him that bellowing like a boar would scare anyone away but Belladonna seemed pretty unmoved by the outburst.

 

“Well like I said… it’s my sister’s birthday party soon and I wanted to take you along. But you don’t let me into the forge unless I need something fixed.” Belladonna gave another smirk at Thorin, this one sent shivers through his body even in the heat. He was royalty, banished from his own homeland and should not be thinking of anything but his people and feeding his family. But Thorin could only smile back shyly at the hobbit with her dark curly hair and agree to meet her after he was done working.

 

** ** **

 

“I have not asked anything of you,” Belladonna’s voice didn’t shake in the slightest as Thorin packed away the last of his gear and she was proud of that. “And you’ve given me no promises.”

 

“I’ll be back!” But they both knew that was unlikely. Not from the tone of the letter and the duties awaiting Thorin. As bad as it was things would become even worse if the exiled prince tried to make a hobbit his bride, the already shaky alliances might crumble. Thorin had never told her as much but Belladonna read enough to know how the world worked. They both had duties of their own and she would be damned if she was going to be the cause of problems for a people whom had already suffered so much.

 

“It’s alright darling,” she couldn’t allow herself to touch his hair again. Run her fingers through the dark mane and tickle softy under his chin until the dwarf smiled. “Are you sure that you’ve got enough food for the road?”

 

“I do.” They stood there awkwardly as if strangers all over again. Finally Thorin got onto his pony and turned to look at Belladonna. “I’ll write.” The pony took off in a trot and was too soon hidden behind the rolling green hills and bubbling brooks.

 

“I won’t,” Belladonna placed a hand onto her stomach even though it was too soon for movement if her fears were correct before walking back home to have one good cry before she decided just what to do.

 

** ** **

 

The problem with Bilba was that while she might act the perfect hobbit with all her might she took too much after her father with her dark straight hair and the scowl that luckily only happened once in a while. It wasn’t as though Belladonna or Bungo had ever not really told her about her true father as it was an opened secret among all the hobbits. But Belladonna couldn’t bring herself to tell her daughter anything about the man that had stolen her heart so long ago and Bungo always figured that it wasn’t his place.

 

At least until Bilba was in her late twenties and sobbing in her room as Bungo silently cursed the fact that his wife was visiting her father for the week. “I’m growing HAIR!” had been the only thing that the hobbit had been able to make out between his daughter’s sobs (because she was his, blood or not) and Bungo had found himself for the first time hating respectability because respectable hobbits did not go over to snobby hobbits his daughter’s age and tear out their foot hair.

 

“You’re going to be the prettiest girl in the Shire, beard or not.” Bilba screamed something back and Bungo had to admit that he was not being reassuring. “Do you want me to teach you how to shave Bil?” He hadn’t called her that since Bilba had been a young child racing across the Shire with a wooden sword in hand ‘protecting’ everyone from danger, when she had been young enough that the whispers about her heritage didn’t reach her ears.

 

“What does it matter? I’m going to be an ugly hairy hobbit for my entire life!” It was hard sometimes to remember that Bilba grew slower than hobbits and other times she was just as dramatic as any hobbit adolescent.

 

“You’re never going to be ugly. Haven’t you seen drawings of dwarf women?”

 

“So you admit I’m a dwarf! That’s all I’m going to be! A fat hairy dwarf without proper curls!” The sobbing began again as Bungo allowed his head to rest against the door as he realized that Bilba had been placing her hair into buns or under hats for months now. He knew that any denial of Bilba looking like anything but a proper hobbit would be a lie and Bungo never lied.

 

“I saw your father a couple times.” Not that any Baggins had allowed themselves to spend much time in the dwarf’s presence unless it was a business matter. But Bungo had allowed himself to sometimes sit at the inn close to the man on the rare days the smith had told tales of his home and people. “He wasn’t ugly Bil, far from it. He had the prettiest hair next to your mother and he made the finest metal crafts around. Like your grandmother’s hair combs.” The hair combs were a work of beauty that some still claimed couldn’t have come from the hands of something as brutal as a dwarf. Vines wrapping around flowers with rabbits playing on the edges, Bilba had been allowed to play with them as a child and even now would sometimes stare at them in wonder at their beauty.

 

“But everyone says that dwarves are ugly. Pea- that is I’ve heard that they only care for gold and battle. Maybe my.. _he_ left mama for gold.” Bilba wasn’t crying anymore, just sounded resigned to the facts.

 

“I don’t know why he left Bil. But it was something important.” Belladonna had never said for sure what the reason had been and Bungo allowed her secrets but anyone with sight could see how much the smith had loved her. “Now come out and wipe your face, I’ll show you how to shave if you really want to get rid of your hair and then we’ll try to make tarts.” As the door opened and Bilba slide out Bungo took her face and made a point of looking it over, brushing the first hairs of her jawline with his fingers. “Bah, the other girls are just unhappy because your beard hair is going to be beautiful.”

 

Bilba half smiled but still insisted on learning how to shave. If Belladonna and Bungo sat quietly together mourning how their daughter had to hide her dwarven side neither showed it to Bilba. She did take to wrapping up her long dark but oh do unhobbitly straight hair with light colored ribbons that had some hobbit girls attempting to copy instead of trying to hide it so Bungo counted that as a victory.


	2. Chapter 2

 

**Chapter 2**

_Sorry for taking a while to update!  So this is part movie!canon, part book!canon, and part head!canon, hopefully I don’t mess up too badly about anything. I also changed the timelines of some stuff a bit, hopefully everyone is ok with that but then again I’m already screwing around with canon a lot._

 

Took and dwarven blood had made Bilba into a little spitfire when she’d been younger and even though she was an all-around proper hobbit once she had grown into an adult everyone knew that she would be a tough woman to woo. Add that to her aging slower than hobbits and most male of the Shire never even thought about her as someone to woo and the few that tried either had an eye on Bilba’s wealth or just weren’t the right one for her.

 

Still.

 

It was quiet at night when Bilba was alone. During the day there was always something going on or some relative that she could visit, even the horrid ones that never failed to snipe at her housekeeping skills. Before her parents had died the nights had been filled with stories and laughter echoing. But ever since Belladonna had been placed next to her second love and only husband the halls had been filled with nothing but the clinking of dishes as Bilba moved around. It was almost enough to make her wonder if perhaps marrying one of her suitors would have been better, if trading her pride for a household of small children would not have been worth it.

 

That did not, however, mean that Bilba was going to allow herself to be dragged away from home by some Man. Friend of her mothers or not Bilba needed to stay where her memories had been formed not run off and throw away every single scrap of respectability that Bilba had managed to gain over the years. She was a Proper hobbit (if not fully hobbit) and it was Not Done.

 

Of course Proper hobbits also did not find themselves staring at strange men at their doorstep. Strange DWARVEN men at their doorsteps.

 

“Are you from my.. father?” Bilba asked as she stared up past the man who’d introduced himself as Dwalin's shoulders to his axes trying not to think too much on how easy it would be for one of those to split her in half.

 

“No?” The man looked as confused as Bilba was. They stared at one another again as Bilba shifted from one foot to another and wondered just how rude slamming the door in someone’s face (no matter how scary) would be. “Er.. Is your husband about?” Bilba gave a sigh of relief, the dwarf had just gotten lost. No reason for her to get worked up and start screaming in hopes that somebody in the Shire could come running.

 

“I believe you have the wrong address Master Dwarlin. I am not married.” Bilba gave a tight smile towards the dwarf. “There is no man living in this house so I am afraid you have the wrong place.”

 

“But the wizard said the mark was only on the door of Bag End,” Dwarlin crossed his arms and frowned at either Bilba or the door. She hoped it was the door because that at least was replaceable if the giant of a dwarf suddenly got angry.

 

“Wizard?” Bilba felt horror creep upon her. No. No he wouldn’t have.

 

He wouldn’t have.

 

Yes he would.

 

“Brother! You’re even taller than I remember!” Well Bella had always said that Bilba should meet dwarves someday.

 

 

** ** **

 

She had a dozen dwarves at her table.

 

And a wizard.

 

A wizard that looked too proud of himself as he directed people on how to raid Bilba’s storeroom and chuckled as egg went flying across the table to hit the wall. She had just cleaned yesterday and now there was jam and yolk already starting to stain the wallpaper. So much for learning about her other half, so far the only things that Bilba had learned was that dwarves did in fact not have any manners and a third of them could not tell the difference between a gentleman and a lady.

 

“Don’t know why I’m doing all this,” Bilba hissed to the tea kettle as she pulled out some tea leaves. “Rude and bossy the whole bunch of them. Didn’t even ask if I was saving the jam for anything!”

 

“Oh you were saving the jam for something?” Bilba almost snarled at the dwarf leaning against the doorframe of her kitchen whittling on some piece of wood. She hoped it was just a bit from the fireplace because at that point Bilba wouldn’t have put it past the group to start pulling things down from the mantle and destroy them. She had already ‘accidently’ stabbed one dwarf with a fork when he’d been about to put her mother’s good salt shaker into his coat pocket. “It was mighty tasty.”

 

“Thank you Master Dwarf,” Bilba tried not to slam her teacup down but really what did one expect from a hobbit that had already missed two meals?

 

“Bofur please Mistress Baggins. My family’s not the type to give fancy names to.” the dwarf gave her a wide grin and wink. “I think Bombour shed a tear or two over the scones as well. And he’s the best cook to ever come out of the Blue Mountains.” That got Bilba’s hobbit side smiling as she soaked the tea leaves. The dwarf with the axe in his head (one of the B names, Bilba had been in shock when the last few names had gone around) popped his own head around the corner to make harsh noises and wildly rolled his eyes. “Right you are Bifur! We might have to steal the recipe.”

 

“Hey Fili look at this!” Bilba winced as something in her kitchen went crashing into the ground and raced off to make sure that they weren’t destroying her mother’s fine china as they ‘washed up’. Just when Bilba was finally managing to get her heart under control another set of heavy knocks hit the door.

 

“MORE DWARVES!” Bilba did not shout, it would have been in very poor taste to shout no matter what others said she sounded like later on. But it was with a scowl on her face that Bilba went stomping towards the door, hair wild were she’d been running her hands through it and eyes darkening.

 

As Balin later said, they should have figured it out right there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

_Brushes the dust off. Sorry everyone! Real life and writers block decided to kick me around for a while but I’m back and the updates will hopefully start coming for all of my stories now!_

 

Thorin hated the Shire it brought back too many memories of being young and filled with hope against the impossible. Belladonna smiling up at him from the grass or above him as the dwarf worried about just how fragile hobbits were and would she kindly get out of that tree already? The only reason that the dwarf had ended up agreeing to the insane plan of Gandalf’s was how few Tooks were likely to live near Bag End. Baggins had not been the most friendly of hobbits (though highly respectable, why would one be a burglar of all things?) which might mean that Thorin might be able to stay unconnected to the blacksmith from fifty years ago. Because if he knew anything about hobbits there would be questions, lots of questions and even a trip over to the Tooks for one of their hundreds of questions about how he had been and what just had he been up to? Bella might even be there and she would be upset or, even worse, smile a greeting to him and say that she had waited.

 

No, it was much better to put behind that part of him.

 

“Thorin!” Tharkûn opened the door with a wide smile, his entire body blocking any sight into the house as Thorin raised an eyebrow.

 

“I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way twice.” Not a complete lie, Bag End hadn’t existed when the dwarf had been there and all the houses built inside of the ground looked pretty much the same but he still remembered the roads.

 

“Honestly not letting me open my own door!” A high voice squeaked from behind the wizard whose half smile may have grown a bit more. “Do wizards have no manners at all?”

 

“You said our burglar was unmarried.” Thorin scowled at Tharkûn who just chuckled and finally moved away from the door enough that the dwarf could pass.

 

“May I present to you Mistress Bilba Baggins? Unmarried of course just like you requested.” Thorin bit back a groan, trust a wizard to somehow manage to both keep his deal of the bargain and yet still make it go so horribly wrong. Dratted man likely also somehow knew about Bella and had decided to find the one hobbit in the shire that looked the most like Thorin’s love.

 

Well it wouldn’t do to show poor manners to the hobbit. From the look on her face she was about to go into hysterics or start ripping apart meddling wizards who did _not_ understand that non-kin females did not go on trips with males. Or, if she was a relative of the Took branch, perhaps she would do both?

 

“Thorin Oakenshield at your service Mistress Baggins.” Yes he was expecting the look of pure horror on the hobbit’s face. He supposed that the courtship and abandonment of Belladonna Took was now a tale whispered to young women as a warning to never again trust dwarves.  “I came along these paths years ago and-“

 

“YOU TOLD MY SIRE I AM A THIEF GANDALF?” The fucking wizard just smiled as all hell broke loose among the dwarves. Half the company was yelling at Bilba telling her to explain herself, Fili and Kili seemed aghast over the thought of their uncle having ever even thought about sex, and of course Oin was the loudest of all as he demanded that everyone speak up so that he could hear just what the fuss was about.

 

“ENOUGH!” Thorin was pleased to note that his voice didn’t shake at all as he stared at the hobbit. Half-hobbit. Half-dwarf.  His child. Looking at her Thorin wondered how he couldn’t have figured it out at first glance. She was just like Bella but for the hair much too straight to be on a hobbit and eyes that reminded him all too much of an angry Dis. Thorin raked his brain for the right thing to say to say to one’s child that they had never met before. “What proof is there?”

 

The king wondered briefly if he should just save everyone time by throwing himself down the nearest cliff as Bilba drew herself up to all of her three feet and glared. “Well perhaps you should ask anyone of the Shire whom my mother was with fifty years ago. Or do you perhaps believe that she was just better at hiding her other lovers?”

 

“No!” Damn it why couldn’t the group just take a hint and leave or at least stop making such faces? “I meant to say.. I just.. She just.” Thorin took a deep breath and looked his newly found child in the eyes. “I did not know of you until now. I am.. surprised.” Shakily he reached out a hand and placed it upon her head. “You are mine if Bella said you were. She would have never lied.”

 

“Well then, there seem to be no problems with Mistress Baggins coming along now is there?”

 

Thorin was going to have Words with a wizard very soon. Right after Balin and Dwalin had Words with him if the look on their faces were anything to go by. But for now Thorin took a deep breath and asked if there was any food left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to figure out the other pairings (if at all) of the fic. So far I know I'm gonna use the canon relationships and no incest. And hopefully the next chapter will not be so long in coming! Thanks everyone who has reviewed!
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: Forgot to add that the the beyond awesome akahime4 made fanart of this fic! Which is amazing and has me wondering just what they see in my story :P
> 
> No honestly it makes me super hyper because no one's done a fanart for anything I've written before.
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/series/81778


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